Alice's Adventures in Academia

Getting back on the horse that threw me

2012-01-25T15:09:00.006-05:00

I recently had a phone interview that I over-prepared for, and I felt that I did pretty well on, but it was cut ridiculously short, most likely because it was lunchtime in the committee's timezone, and they were running far behind schedule. For some reason, I felt so stung by this that over the past several days, I've seriously questioned whether I want to continue putting myself out there as search committee bait. I'm not sure why I had such a strong reaction to this... maybe because I was more excited about this position than most of them.

Having so little control on the outcome of one's labor is one of the more difficult aspects of job-hunting. This is not news to anyone, but the reminders that you are not the one holding the cards are everywhere. Maybe this is more difficult for my personality than most, but I find that extreme denial is required for persistence(denial of all the rejections thus far, denial of all the time wasted on applications that went nowhere, etc. etc.) It is a demoralizing process, and multiple years on the market, (which seems to be the norm in my field since the recession), can lead to severe magnification of any existing insecurities.

So what now? I have been finding ways to gently persuade myself to get back on the horse. Over the past few days, I've been cutting myself some slack on my schedule after the massive disappointment of this one interview. And now is precisely when I have to remind myself that I do have a plan. I have set a limit to how long I plan to continue to apply for positions, and I will stick to that, rather than make decisions from inside the "disappointment bubble," which, let's face it, is not a place of much rational thinking.

Productivity in writing projects

2012-01-17T11:45:00.016-05:00

Write first - This little tip from Joan Bolker's book on Writing your dissertation in 15 minutes is sheer magic. Putting my writing as the first order of business for the day, before checking email, before getting involved in anything else, has created a fundamental shift in my writing habits, a shift that I hope I can maintain for years to come. As part of this, something I learned from Notorious Ph.D., is making a note to myself the night before and getting out the materials I need to do that writing task, so that I'm ready to go first thing.

The Academic Ladder Writing Club - Daily accountability, even though its virtual, seems key to my productivity. I could take notes elsewhere on my progress, but this on-line tracking system ensures that I continue to track my progress daily. It also keeps me from feeling isolated in my writing struggles -- I can see that others have similar things going on, and everyone is encouraging and helpful. I've also learned countless productivity tips from other people enrolled in this club, like the one I'll describe next.

The Sunday Meeting - This came from Kerry Ann Rockquemore, and if you haven't heard of it, go read her own description of it here. Go ahead, I'll wait. It sounds like something ridiculously obvious, and I thought I was a good planner before, but this is a killer system that has completely revolutionized my work habits. I'm much more conscious about how I spend my time, and I'm much less likely to get derailed by an hour watching t.v. or cleaning the house. Though I heard about it a while back, I didn't try it until recently. I mean, this all seems patently obvious, and seems like stuff we all do anyway - make a list of goals and tasks, put them in your calendar, right? Well, there's something about this system that makes it more effective, maybe its the longer-range of the planning and how everything is connected to a semester plan. I first tried this system a couple of months ago, and my productivity has probably doubled since I started this, (No, I'm not exaggerating). I guess this is the academic equivalent of the reason for McDonalds success- everyone knows you're supposed to keep restaurants clean to improve your business, but McDonalds is one of the few businesses that consistently does this. (Hopefully this will translate into McDonalds' level of academic success for me.)

Earplugs - I used to use earplugs while writing, but since I had been writing in a quiet and undistracting place for so long, I fell out of that habit. This week, since I've been reading Wendy Belcher's book, I had to revisit the question of my work site, and what improvements I will make to it. That's when I realized that I need to go back to the earplugs to block out other sounds around me, so I can keep writing. I briefly considered purchasing noise cancelling headphones, but some of the reviews I read of these noted that earplugs were quite effective, which reminded me, yes, they are.

Setting a timer- Timed writing sessions, which I learned from the Academic Ladder, seem to make a huge difference for me. Maybe knowing that there is a finite stopping point helps me to focus on the task at hand for a set time period.

What about you? What's been effective in making you productive?

Shopping in my closet

2012-01-11T19:31:00.008-05:00

I'm getting ready to travel for the first of my invited talks this semester. As I've been preparing this talk, which is based on my dissertation project, but framed a bit differently to suit the conference theme, I've found an entirely new angle on my data. This angle has always been there, hiding, under the surface, but I didn't notice it before. This confirms what people say about writing being thinking, because my thoughts didn't get to this place without the writing I did to prep the talk. I'm not going to explicitly present on this angle, but this is certainly a direction that I'll be taking some of my future work, which is really exciting! This feels like going shopping in my closet, discovering a great new outfit from pieces you already had but didn't put together.

Putting off procrastination

2012-01-10T02:39:00.006-05:00

Sometimes, the thing you spend all day avoiding turns out to be an enjoyable challenge that takes half as much time and energy as you thought it would. Should I be surprised? Or...does this always happen, but I somehow forget this portion of my procrastination cycle? Either way, I'm marking this happy outcome (and boring the blog world with it) for future times when procrastination turns up, so I'll be armed and ready for the fight.

Out of hiding

2012-01-08T23:39:00.008-05:00

I've been joking that my 2012 resolutions are to quit smoking and give up eating meat, but since I don't smoke and I'm vegetarian, I'm sure to accomplish both of those, at least, this year!

What remains to be seen, however, is whether or not I'll get a position as an academic this year. I've continued to put in applications and had a few interviews last year, but nothing has panned out so far. The one position that I was a finalist for last year ended up getting cut at the last minute. I have a feeling, though, that this year I will get a great position.

Though I have been hiding from my blog(mostly in shame of unemployment, I admit), a week into the new year, I'm finally ready to stop blaming myself. Circumstances are what they are, and all I can really do is keep putting in the applications and hoping for the best. I have come to a level of acceptance of this situation that I really didn't have last year.

I'm living at home, which is challenging, for sure, but I do feel fortunate to have my meals and rent covered so that I can focus on giving the academic gig one last shot. I have always been fiercely independent, so this is new territory for me. I have been feeling considerably better since I learned that two distant colleagues are also living at home to conduct an academic job search.

Thankfully, I'm staying active with writing articles, and I have a couple of invited talks coming up to look forward to. Getting these invitations has really gone a long way in making me feel more legit as an academic, knowing that someone is willing to shell out money to hear what I have to say, even when that money isn't tuition!

Belated good wishes to everyone for 2012!

Not exactly to die for

2011-01-11T15:15:00.006-05:00

I baked this coffee cake this afternoon, expecting it to be amazing, since the reader would want it on their deathbed, but it fell far short of my expectations. The cake was moist and had a good crumb, but the flavor lacked depth. It was just too sweet, and the walnuts add a nice crunch, but don't make up anything in terms of the flavor.

I'm sure that the person who wrote asking for this recipe has embellished this cake in their memory. Its appeal must be about the idea of that coffeecake we ate in the high school cafeteria rather than the cake itself. Sadly, without the memories, the cake is just a cafeteria style dessert.

I did check twice to see if I forgot to add cinnamon, but there isn't any in this recipe. I love cinnamon, but that would have been okay if it wasn't too sweet. I halved the recipe and baked it in a square cake pan, which seemed too large for the amount of batter, but it puffed up nicely and fit the pan, so I don't think that made any difference. I think the sour cream added a good tang to it, but I'd cut back the sugar. Anyone have a better recipe out there?

Being Boxer

2011-01-08T14:34:00.007-05:00

My theme for this year is hard work. I don't know if it will get me a job, but I am sure as hell going to try. I have always strongly identified with Boxer, the horse character in Animal Farm, and now I want to just keep working harder to get where I want to be. It has been years since I read the book, but I remember that Boxer just kept waking up earlier, working harder, no matter what. It could be a stubbornly foolish compulsion. I could very well and end up without any academic positions, but I feel helpless to do anything else.

For a while, I was pretty panicked, and started to apply for things outside of academia. I realized I don't want those jobs and I couldn't put up the front for long enough. Instead of freaking myself out this year, I have decided to refocus my energy towards the jobs that I really want. I don't know if I'll keep feeling this way, but I will finish out the rest of the academic job cycle this year and see if it lands me anywhere different.

I haven't had this kind of clarity of vision in a long time, but I've been through so much in the last year that I feel like I'm not the same young woman I was at the start of 2010, full of naive hopefulness about what the year would hold for me in terms of jobs and relationships. By now, I've been hurt so hard in so many ways that I feel like whatever 2011 has in store for me, I'm ready, bring it on.

Summer Splurge (for the sweet tooth)

2010-06-24T20:23:00.005-04:00

If you've been good and done your writing this week, you get a special treat...Take four to five Ghirardelli Semi-Sweet Chocolate Chips and place them at the bottom of a store-bought sugar cone. Add ice cream of your choice, I recommend Breyer's Strawberry Ice Cream.

This makes me want dessert everyday. More importantly, it makes me do my writing. Not so good for the waistline, but worth trying sometime.

And the winner is....

2010-06-09T14:43:00.008-04:00

Earplugs! Earplugs are the clear winner of this contest. I did alternate between earplugs and music for equal numbers of work hours but this isn't a very scientific experiment for loads of reasons, and I know that. Sorry, I didn't track the progress in the sidebar as promised, because my HTML skills are pretty limited.

It was hard to quantify productivity in terms other than words/hour. But I not only wrote more words with earplugs in my ears (almost 1,000 more over the two weeks) than with headphones on, I also had a major breakthrough on my manuscript with earplugs in. All of this despite my bias towards thinking that music made me more productive.

Maybe it keeps me company while I'm working, I don't know, but the truth is, I think I am addicted to music. I'm not sure that even after such definitive results, I can switch entirely over to earplugs. I will have to wean myself off of working to music :(

Music or Earplugs for productivity?

2010-05-25T15:08:00.007-04:00

While I wrote my dissertation, and ever since, I've listened to music while writing papers. I find it helps me to tune out everything else and tune into my writing. The music becomes a cue for me to write, a way to tuck myself into the writing, regardless of what is happening around me. I hadn't even considered that the music may be distracting me, but of course, this is a possibility. My sense is that I need the music most at the very start of the writing process, because if I run out of songs before I finish writing, I don't seem to notice it right away, as I would expect to.

In any case, I'm going to try an experiment the next two weeks. I'll log the times and productivity level for writing with music vs. writing with earplugs, and post the results in my sidebar. Anyone care to make predictions on the results? Do you listen to music or use earplugs?

New Computer Resolutions

2010-05-24T20:18:00.004-04:00

I have been a bad blogger, but consider yourself spared of many “no news yet” posts. I’m still applying for jobs and there is a small chance I may have a short-term teaching gig for the fall, but basically this is the deal:
Uncertainty Looms Large.

Still, whatever the outcome of my whole life story may be, in the short-run, I have been figuring how to ramp up my publication record, especially now that the majority of job applications are submitted and I’m not teaching this summer. I was just drinking coffee and working on my plan to take over the world, when I read Notorious’ post on New Summer’s Resolutions. Last summer was really productive for me and my goal is to do the same this year. I love the idea of summer resolutions. Here are mine, following Notorious Ph.D’s daily, weekly, summer-long, format :

Daily: Write first, at least one page per day, Readings for Summer Paper II. (Finish paper one before beginning to write daily on grant application also.)

Weekly: Keep working on job searching, letter requests and applications, yoga or tennis at least once a week.

Summer-long goals: Submit Summer Paper I, Apply for big-time grant II, syllabi for fall (pending approval of teaching gig), Submit Summer Paper II.

The co-incidental timing of my recent laptop purchase also means I have a shiny new toy to make my goals happen. While I’d prefer that my machines provide lasting use for several years, it seems like the laptops I’ve had have become less and less durable. This means it takes less and less time before something awful goes wrong and the whole screen turns black or whatever. Of course, they also cost less and less, and this is the first laptop I’ve bought that is under $500! Yay!

There is one upside to this short lifespan of the new machines, even for the impoverished academic. For me, I find that my productivity definitely improves when I first get a new laptop. I like to think it doesn’t matter, but the truth is it really does make a huge difference. I also like new pens and new notebooks for the same reason. What about you? Does the shiny newness get you too?

Holding on for the ride

2010-03-21T16:55:00.008-04:00

Since my phone interview, things have been quiet on the job-hunt-front. There is a small part of me that continues to believe that everything will work out somehow, but mostly, I'm pretty terrified of what that working out scenario will look like, and if it will be what I imagined myself doing all these years. These feelings led me to take the weekend off to catch up on knitting and thinking and get things straight in my head.

I think the job market is scary for me because as a postdoc, I feel as though a huge chunk of my life has been preparation for this catapult into the real world (in so far as an academic position is a real-world job). Don't get me wrong, its not that I have been waiting for this moment all along. I have been charged up by my PhD experience, as well as the two-year postdoc I've been lucky enough to enjoy. All of it combined makes me think that I will love an academic job, and that I am cut out for this, despite many doubts I have about my abilities.

Still, even if I've enjoyed it, it has been mostly preparation for a permanent and paid position. Whatever that ends up being, I feel sure that the upcoming changes in my life will set the stage for what "the rest of my life" ends up looking like. I don't know if this means that I've been fully brainwashed into an academic way of thinking, where there are two main paths -- academia or doom. I'm probably unusual as an academic because I am pretty close to a fair number of PhD's who work outside of academia, even though they hadn't planned to do so initially. So, while I understand that it isn't doom on the other side, there is a clear difference about the possibilities of each type of position, and for me, the appeal stays in the academic realm for most of what I want to do with my life right now. This might change, but that is how I feel at the moment.

As high as the stakes are, all I can do is just hold on and hope for the best. After all, fears and anxieties are part of the thrill of the ride that I've picked for myself. As uncomfortable as it feels right now, that is part of what I signed up for when I got off the couch and went to grad. school.

Flowers for courage

2010-03-05T13:00:00.006-05:00

These tulips have been on my desk for a few days, keeping me and my laptop good company. I've busted through a very stuck place in my writing. Even a week ago, I would have said it was impossible to get here, and I'm sure that having these lovelies sitting next to me has kept me going. I'm sharing them with you to spread the goodness, and give you the courage to write through your own tough spots.

Good, bad and ugly

2010-02-23T10:34:00.009-05:00

Good: Article in fancy pants journal from last year is being re-published as a book chapter. While I don't think this gets a separate line on my vita, it is still cause for a bit of celebration.

~~Bad: No news on the jobs. Yet.~~ My advisor wrote me a really supportive email last week and looked over all my materials again, assuring me that my application packet looks great, and I just need to be patient. The patience is not my forte, but the email did help. He could just as easily have been more dismissive, but it felt good to be taken seriously and have an authority figure declare that my materials look great. That lets me feel like I'm doing everything I can.

Ugly: This morning I woke up with a red, itchy, watery eye. At first, I panicked, thinking it was pinkeye, but then I remembered the last time this happened in Postdoc city -- it was just bad allergies. I've been writing at home this morning, and won't be going into campus later as planned, since I look like a mess. Hope it clears up by tomorrow, since I'll have to go in to teach.

The longer I live in a place, the worse my allergies get. Since I've moved every year or two for about the last twelve years, allergies didn't ever get too unbearable in any one place. Now I've been in Postdoc City for over two years, things are starting to get ugly with the allergies. I'm sure I'll have to get shots when I eventually move somewhere permanent, but until then, I spend half the year taking my morning coffee and toast with a giant box of tissues and wastebasket close at hand. The good news is that spring is here, and you won't hear any complaints, even from allergy-ridden-me, about that.

ETA: Phone interview #1 coming up next week.

Spring Progress

2010-01-31T17:19:00.007-05:00

It has warmed up almost 10 degrees since yesterday, and though there is still snow on the ground, I'm feeling a renewed vigor and energy since I'm just getting over some kind of nasty stomach bug that had me down for days. I'm still not eating my usual foods yet, but I should be back on track pretty soon. My allergies have also kicked in early, so it really feels like spring is here in Postdoc city. Never mind that it was single digit temps yesterday.

I haven't blogged in the last couple of weeks, but I have been writing, nesting, knitting, and sending out lots of applications. I am hoping for the best, despite all the reminders i get everyday about how awful the job market is. I'm not sure why people keep telling me this, I guess they are trying to make me feel better about not having heard anything back yet. Well, I'm okay with it right now. I'm willing to wait and see what happens. I may freak out later but for now I am okay.

Its just sad when people are trying to make you feel better and they inadvertently make you feel worse. My SIL called from Hometown and it turned out she had a stomach virus too. I think I said something like Oh, I'm sorry you have it too, to which she replied, "Yes, but at least I have your brother to look after me. You're all alone there." Yeah. Thanks. What do I say to that? Actually, I'm not sure I'd want company here like this, it is nice to not have to share the bathroom when you are sick. Gah.

updates on where I'm at with stuff:

Writing- wrapping up a draft of a "quick and dirty" paper from my dissertation (neither of the ones in the sidebar), but one that I discovered when I was reassessing my writing two weeks ago. I'm planning to hand over a draft to my mentor at the end of the week, and hope to get it sent out very soon.

Nesting- My place is now clutter-free, yay! Stuff had piled up at the end of last semester and with being away most of the break, I didn't get to tackle the piles of mostly papers that had accumulated until after I got back and caught up on applications.

Knitting- I still can't conclusively decide how to finish my cardigan, so I've set it aside while I finish a shawl for myself. The shawl, which is knit in a lovely rich burgundy tweed yarn, has progressed well and it should be finished in a week or two. I can't wait to wear it.

Applications - I don't have much to report, just doing my usual thing here, sending them out and following the steps outlined here. My mentor asked which jobs I was most excited about and I do have one that I'd like to get most, but I am really trying to detach from that once I get the app. sent out. There's more coming up next month that I'm gearing up for today, getting in requests for letters and such.

The "feature creep" of paper writing

2010-01-12T08:11:00.004-05:00

Yesterday I got into campus bright and early, and while the chilly walk there did wonders for me, apart from two very productive early morning hours, I hardly got any work done because it was so cold in my building. Today, I've warmed up my home study and will be disconnecting the internet and going in there as soon as I've had my coffee.

There are some writing projects that I thought were almost done before the fall semester started and my plan for this spring was to get both of those papers that have been in my sidebar for so long out, out, out.

Well, getting back to these projects yesterday after setting them aside for a while has made me notice some serious problems in how I have divided up my ideas and work. I noticed that instead of just writing something simple, I turned both of these papers into grand-impossible-projects that would suck the life out of anyone. Well, at least they were heading in that direction.

A friend of mine who works in the gaming industry has distilled my problem into the term "feature creep," which I understood as the desire to continue to add more and more features into a product, presumably as you continue to miss deadlines for publishing the software. I think the visions for both of these papers started out realistic and then just kept spiraling out until they reached this impossible point.

My mission now is to just figure out how to work within these grand visions I have for my life and my discipline (yes, I have this problem in other aspects of life too), and just find a small piece that I can work with and tackle that one step at a time. For today, I'm going to start to cut down that vision to something more realistic and try to set up these articles so that I have a more achievable set of goals for the next few weeks.

Applying myself

2010-01-05T13:31:00.008-05:00

I can't believe it has been a whole month since I've blogged. I've been so steadily applying for academic positions (a number of which had such ridiculous deadlines as December 31st, January 1st and January 4th) that I haven't had much of a breather since I left Postdoc city at the end of the semester. I had this nagging sense of guilt while I spent Christmas with my family, and sent out two applications on New Year's eve!

I'm flying back to Postdoc city tomorrow (after submitting one more application today, doing laundry and packing my bag.) I'll have a few days to sort things out before I get to work on the January 15th applications, but I'm ready to get back to full-time writing again as soon as I get back. I wish I hadn't spent so much time away from my writing, but I'm glad that I feel ready to start the writing engine up again. I think the cold weather in Postdoc City will work to my advantage there, because it will help me stay indoors and busy.

Though I'm not one for marking anniversaries, I do want to note some 2009 accomplishments: I published my first paper (in a big journal), finished five sewing projects and four knitting projects in 2009. All of these sewing and knitting projects were gifts that I was very happy to share, but in 2010, I am shifting towards prioritizing my own needs and wants. For some reason, it doesn't come naturally to me.

Speaking of which, there is still one knitting project that is hanging on into the new year, and it is a cardigan for me. Mostly done, and I hope to finish it up on the plane, but I can't seem to decide on how ruffle-y I want the edging, so we'll see how it goes. Whatever I do, I'll definitely be posting photos of this one when it is finished.

What about you? Do you ever feel like you're too generous or have trouble prioritizing yourself over friends and family?

Midnight snack confession

2009-12-05T23:21:00.005-05:00

I am not built for the kind of weather that winter brings. Once it gets into the 20s, like today, I start craving all kinds of junk food on a full stomach, snack constantly, drink lots of hot teas (herbal) and bundle up with my warmest socks and fleeces even in the house. Ski socks make me very happy this time of year, though I am not a skier! I wear them with my slippers around the house. I must have poor circulation, because I like thick gloves when I go out in the cold.

I also find it especially difficult to avoid cookies, pastries and other sugary stuff when I am out shopping. Today, I came home with both cookies and ice cream from the grocery store and yes, I plan to have a serving of each before bed. I feel like it is a victory that I didn't bring home any chocolate also! I'm just confessing my indulgent midnight snacks in the hopes that it will lead to some recognition of where this urge is coming from. Please, universe, find me a job in the sunbelt. What about you? How do you manage cold?

Hello my name is Grumpy

2009-11-14T13:36:00.002-05:00

...and I just want the semester to be over. Thanksgiving can't get here soon enough. In order to combat the fine mood I've been in lately, I decided one cup of coffee wasn't going to cut it today. I spent the morning with friends at the farmer's market, bitching about the class I'm teaching and what a disaster I feel it has become. I had a vision for this class and now, well...now I just want the class to be over, period.

After lunch, I decided a second coffee was in order, and I embellished it with sweetened condensed milk. Mmmm....now I think I need to do some knitting on the porch while I finish up the coffee. Maybe I can tackle that exam I need to work on after that.

Job application sanity

2009-11-10T19:28:00.004-05:00

I'm applying for jobs far and wide these days, so here's my post on how to keep going through the process -- despite discouragement from the economy and the rejections, not to mention the general state of anxiety that comes up in the whole process. Not that I'm an expert on these things, but here's what has worked for me and I want to remind myself to keep doing what is working.

Step 1. Application Potential
There's something wonderful about applying for jobs. The possibility, the anticipation, the chance of landing a real job as a professor. What could be better than thinking about that? Nothing, really. But while I'd try to remember all of this as you are writing your letter, and channel your excitement into the letter, the key is to stop there. Once you have submitted it, stop visualizing yourself living in potential job city. Just stop. Visualize a stop sign if you must, but don't keep thinking of the potential anymore. You are done with that application. Move on to the next one on the list.
Step 2. Treat yourself
Something small, a reward for every batch of applications that you finish. I do this twice a week, because they seem to be due at the start of the month or the middle. This is good because it allows you to acknowledge the work you put in and gives you the boost you need to keep going.
Step 3. When you get a rejection
And as long as you are applying far and wide, you will. But, don't let yourself feel sorry for yourself for a whole week! Go print out the rejection in question (if it came over email) and go find a big paper shredder and do a ritual shredding, preferably with a witness nearby who can remind you how lame that place is, and how you didn't want to go there anyway.
Step 4. Keep updating the list
This keeps the freshness of the possibility in your mind, and reminds you that there are still lots of options, no matter what has already passed. Do this at least once a week.
Step 5. Repeat
steps 1-4 until you get a job.
GOOD LUCK to everyone who is on the market this year!

Alice's soynog latte recipe

2009-11-08T13:10:00.004-05:00

I've started early on my eggnog lattes this year, but fortunately, I don't have to buy them because they are pretty easy to make at home. Here's what I do:

1. Start with a giant microwaveable mug, 16oz is perfect. I have a holiday mug that is oversized and works well.
2. Depending on how strong you like it, about half fill it with Silk Nog. This has all the yumminess without eggs, cholesterol or dairy. It is a bit on the sweet side, but that's why it is only available seasonally. Microwave for about 1-2 minutes. I like it pretty hot and frothy, so I usually go for two minutes, but I have a clunky old microwave, so your timing may vary.
3. In the meantime, brew a cup of coffee the way you like it. These days, I do a one-cup presspot which is good and strong.
4. Add the coffee to the nog and drink up!

This has been just the treat I have needed to get through this yukky part of the semester. I hope you'll enjoy it too.

High Gear kick from the Brazen Hussy

2009-11-03T22:21:00.002-05:00

Well, now I've gone and signed up for InAdWriMo again, I will have to crank out the words on one of these papers. Monumental manuscript is probably closest to getting done, so I'll pledge to get a draft of it out by the end of November. It is a bit nuts to take up this challenge now, given all the jobs I have to apply for this month, plus a trip home for Thanksgiving, and making an exam for the class I'm teaching...but the more work I have, the more I seem to get done. I'm a high-gear-or-dead kind of functioning person. So why stop at busy when I can be super-busy. Why not just get some of the writing done that I should be doing anyway?

I'm a bit late to the start but I won't let that stop me either. I've signed up for 5,000 words, which should cover a full draft, even with revisions. Now that I'm getting back into waking up ridiculously early, a little morning writing can be arranged in before I head off to campus.

Fictitious fears

2009-10-29T22:06:00.004-04:00

My sister is a huge fiction fan. She devours novels, and whenever I need a recommendation, she does not disappoint. Her birthday is coming up and I've been trying to figure out a gift for her. Well, today I had the perfect opportunity to get her something wonderful. An author whom she enjoys was giving a talk at Postdoc U. I went to the talk and got an autographed copy of the poster from his talk. Not quite as good as a signed book, but I tried in vain to find his book at three different bookstores around campus! I hope she likes it.

The thing that surprised me about this was that I had planned this all out, and then when the time came to execute the plan, I froze. I felt embarrassed that I was getting him to sign the poster, rather than a book, like others were. I felt too starstruck to ask for an autograph. I could barely even talk when I got to the front of the line! Fortunately, the words "my sister is a huge fan" somehow came out of my mouth as I pulled the poster out, and he was happy to sign it for her. He was ridiculously down to earth, and, after I calmed down a bit, I even asked him a question about writing. I wondered how he balances writing with his other work, which is pretty draining also, and he was really humble in his response: "Its an evolving process" he said, "I try to do a little bit of both."

As I mulled it over on the bike ride home, I found this to be a good way of thinking about writing, trying to do a little bit. Maybe tomorrow I'll try to do a little bit. What about you? How do you think about your writing?

Cuppa tea anyone?

2009-10-21T23:36:00.006-04:00

A friend asked me for tea recommendations, and I thought I'd post these up here so you can see them too. These are all for bagged caffeinated black teas, since he was looking for an alternative to coffee and disappointed with Twinings teas. I've enjoyed many of these and some are strong and bold enough to substitute for coffee, especially if you're trying to cut back on the caffeine but not ready to completely give it up.

Regular Black Tea
As these recommendations go, this is the lowest on the totem pole, but one I reach for when I am just looking for a simple black tea, is Tetley. The one you'd find most easily is British Blend (not classic blend), and actually, if you can get to an import store to buy the British version, it is even better (square box). The "British Blend" is the American version and not nearly as good as the one that is made for the U.K. consumer, but it is still far better than most of the stuff on the shelf here.

Earl Grey
I'm a huge fan of Earl Grey, but not just any Earl Grey. I recommend Revolution Tea's Earl Grey with Lavender. This is one of the best teas I've had and it is comparable to coffee in terms of the kick you get from a good hearty brew. You won't miss coffee when you drink this. Trust me.

Irish Breakfast
If you live near a Trader Joes, you can get your hands on some decent Irish Breakfast without paying too much for it. The Trader Joe's brand has a fine Irish Breakfast, which is reviewed in detail here.

Flavored tea
I don't generally go for much flavored tea at all. However, you simply must try Mighty Leaf's Vanilla Bean tea. I am partial to all of their teas, but as you'll see, they are on the pricey side. Revolution teas is a nice splurge, Mighty Leaf is like a kick in the wallet. So anyway, all of their teas are good, but the Vanilla bean tea comes close to being worth the price.

First finished object of 2009

2009-10-20T20:21:00.005-04:00

The shawl is complete! Well, it isn't technically a shawl, the pattern calls it a "triangular scarf," but by whatever name, its good to know that I can finish something, even if it is a knitting project. Lately it seems like everything takes so long to finish, articles take a year before they are in print, classes aren't finished being prepped until the time the class meets, research is ongoing etc. etc. etc. I need some smaller projects in my life.

Maybe this finishing power will be transferred onto some of my writing projects now. I can't wait to give the finished object to the recipient! This is my first lace project and I'm really happy with the results. The pattern was a lot of fun to make. I may make one of these for myself soon.

Fall pleasures

2009-10-14T23:25:00.003-04:00

I'm getting close to finishing the shawl I'm knitting for my friend. These days, my favorite thing to do is lounge on the couch with my fleece blanket, drink hot lemon zinger tea and knit while watching bad t.v. See how many things I can do at once? Though I don't get to do this for too long, I'm feeling grateful that I can enjoy these small pleasures in the rainy days of fall. Of course, I am pretending all the while that monumental paper and job apps don't exist, but tomorrow morning, I'll have to get back to them!

a moving meter

2009-10-08T22:31:00.003-04:00

The word meter inched along a bit further today. I didn't get any writing done this morning, but worked for about an hour and half this evening in a coffee shop with a friend. I'm so thrilled that I'm past the three thousand word mark. For some reason, now that I'm this far in, it is finally feeling like a real manuscript.

Maybe this is related to the fact that my paper from last year is now out in print. I got the journal in the mail this weekend. I remember when that paper was a baby, 3,000-word manuscript, and I struggled with it just as I'm struggling with the monumental manuscript now. Somehow seeing it in print made me feel like its possible to turn the monumental manuscript into a polished and published piece also.

Getting back up on the horse

2009-10-06T20:50:00.002-04:00

Its working. I'm back on the writing horse again, thanks in large part to the encouraging suggestions of Notorious (thank you!). This morning, I deleted as many words (in a separate part of the document) as I wrote, so the ultimate word count is zero but I made good progress today, clarifying a cloudy point in the monumental manuscript over a few paragraphs. And, best of all, I'm excited about this paper again! Let's hope this trend continues and I can give the mentor a draft before October is out.

Progress post of shame plus distractions

2009-10-04T23:43:00.007-04:00

I'm shaming myself into posting today, though I didn't write any words today. I did find the latest draft and figure out where I need to go, but then I just couldn't force myself to get any words out. Still, it is a bit of progress, and I at least made coffee and sat down at my desk first thing, which is more than I have done in quite a while. I need to get back into keeping a research journal, so I don't have this problem of finding the latest draft and where I am in any given document.

I am so burned out already, I worry about how I'm going to keep going for the rest of the semester. I need to work in some downtime somehow. Between teaching and job searching, things have been quite intense around here, especially this past week, when I gave a mock job-talk in my department. It was good experience for me, but way more stressful than it should have been because I've never given a paper without reading from my notes before. Still, it went much much better than I could have ever imagined and I am hugely relieved that it is prepped and ready to go.

Though this isn't a knitting blog, I still have to share that my biggest distraction is that I'm knitting this for a friend whose birthday is coming up in three days. I'm using this scarlet colored yarn. I thought she'd love it because she's really into scarves and shawls and it is just the kinda weather to have something warm around your neck. That was before I heard her telling someone that she doesn't wear wool because she finds it itchy. Now, I'm not so sure. I think alpaca may be itchy to people who find wool itchy. I don't, so I have no idea, but I am hoping that since this is baby alpaca, it might be okay. Who knows? I've finished the pattern repeats today, so I hope to do the edging in the next couple of days, so I can block it in time for her birthday. The knitting is definitely helping my mood, otherwise I would have to just throw in the towel and cancel Monday's class.

What about you? Are you burned out too? Is it too early for burnout?

Game ON

2009-10-03T12:46:00.004-04:00

I told my mentor yesterday how little writing I was getting done, and though I may soon regret these words, promised to meet him with a draft of Monumental paper in three weeks. It is time to hunker down and write. Maybe this fall weather is good for something after all. I've been so busy lamenting the loss of summer that I can't quite seem to enjoy the crisp fall the way I usually do. I think part of the lament has to do with not getting any papers out this summer. I was too busy multitasking on my three different papers to get any one of them done. Ploy of procrastination? Probably, but either way, I'm on the market this fall, and my one publication is not going to look too great without at least one other under review.

So this is it. Writing daily from here on out. And, if you've got a writing project that's stalled, consider yourself tagged for daily writing posts. Game ON.

relative challenges II

2009-09-15T21:01:00.007-04:00

Good news on the teaching front. I've been so anxious on my teaching days for the last month that I couldn't eat anything besides crackers and soda on those days. Now, things have improved so I can actually eat a solid lunch before I go into my evening class. At least I don't have to worry about fainting now.

As far as prepping goes, I'm still overdoing it. I'm teaching a course that is far enough outside of my area that I feel insecure about my knowledge of the material, so I end up doing a mini-research project for each lecture. This whole venture, of course, isn't helping me balance things in my life, even within the academic sphere. I was frantically working to submit a job application earlier today, and it just seemed so wrong to be so close up against a deadline when a document that could determine one's fate is at stake.

Even my writing has been totally set aside this month for the first time in years, which is pretty terrible, as I have two manuscripts that need immediate resuscitation! Notorious PhD's recent posts are inspiring me to start writing again. If you haven't read them, you must. Her results speak for themselves.

Relative challenges

2009-09-04T00:08:00.005-04:00

I've been a terrible blogger lately, but here's my lame excuse: Teaching my own class for the first time ever. I realize that most people do this while they are writing their dissertations, and frequently wind up teaching multiple courses at the same time, without any assistance. I, on the other hand, have been a spoiled brat of the academy because I got to focus entirely on my research and writing so far, thanks to fellowships.

Now, my fantasy-world is coming to a major halt. By my own request, I'm teaching one, count it, one, new class this semester, with a TA to boot. Spoiled, right, what did I tell you? And YET. The prospect of facing almost 100 undergrads twice a week for over an hour has been causing me massive anxiety. Here's a rundown of my last two weeks: Prep like a maniac, freak out feeling super-anxious for the entire day that I'm supposed to go into the class, and then teach said class, come home, and not be able to sleep(too much going through my head). Oh, one more minor thing. I can't EAT anything before I teach because I'm so anxious that it makes me nauseous. I can't even finish a whole cup of coffee in the morning, and this is VERY unlike me. In sum: no sleep , no food, lots of freaking out, and probably terrible teaching. Although the last lecture wasn't nearly as bad as the first two. Anyway...this is why posting has been so thin lately.

Though I am not thrilled about the sleeplessness and anxiety thing, this whole teaching venture feels good too. I feel like I am actually contributing something to the world for the first time in my whole life. (I've been a student forever, and a postdoc since I stopped being a student). Yes, I do consider my writing to be a contribution too, but the immediate rewards of seeing lightbulbs go off in people's heads is keeping me going through this right now, as challenging as it is for me.

Last bite of summer

2009-08-13T22:03:00.004-04:00

Forget all the other stuff on your list, this is what you need to do before summer ends:
Ready? Its just one thing. Simple and good. An absolute must, if you ask me. Bake one of these using farmer's market organic tomatoes and corn. I've never had a pie quite like this, creamy inside, with chunks of baked tomatoes and a generous helping of summer corn, with fresh basil, chives and the perfect amount of cheese. I was sold on that biscuit crust alone, but the filling, oh, the filling is simply spectacular. This is what summer is all about!

It is totally worth the 30 minutes it takes to make. I did the crust in the food processor and it turned out fabulous. Within an hour the whole thing was done and baked and I was off to a picnic on my bicycle, pie in tow.

I started the day overwhelmed with everything that must happen before the summer is out. Now, I am convinced I can do it all. Summer isn't over yet.

Bouncing back into work after a trip

2009-07-20T09:40:00.002-04:00

How do you get back to your writing after a trip? This post may be too personal to make much sense to anyone, but if nothing else it is a reminder for myself. After my nine trips last year, this is what I learned:

* 1) If I try to wake up ridiculously early the morning after getting back from a trip and become really tough on myself,I burn out within a week, and it doesn’t help my productivity, because then I need a week to recover from pushing myself too hard.
* 2) I also found that letting myself ease into work too slowly doesn’t help me develop a working rhythm, because I will lie in bed for all the wrong hours and get more jetlagged than I already need to be.
* 3 Drink lots of water. Helps with jetlag and general mental and physical well-being.
* 4) Make moderation your motto. For me, this is getting to work by 9.30am and going somewhere pleasant. This is a favorite coffee shop or nice sunny spot in the library. Somewhere that you don’t feel like you are chaining yourself to your desk, but you are there because you want to be. Stay until lunch, and then if you want to go home and pay bills or do laundry, go catch up on those things.
* 5) Feeling overwhelmed when you get back is natural. Don’t look at everything you have to accomplish in the next month, or even the next week. Just focus on getting into the rhythm of work. Before you know it, you’ll be meeting your goals again.
* 6) Be gentle with yourself. Sending yourself negative messages doesn't help! You will need time to recover. Just take it one day at a time and develop your work rhythm first.

What do YOU do to get back to work after a trip?

fast summer food

2009-07-13T17:59:00.005-04:00

At the risk of becoming a food blogger, I'm singing the praises of yet another recipe in this post. Well, its not really a recipe, since you can guess how its made and what the ingredients are: its a blue-cheese and tomato grilled sandwich. Oh, yes, there is a bit of salt and pepper over the tomato (and a tiny bit of butter for the grilling, which could be skipped if you used a nonstick pan). I decided to go for an even lower effort version than the recipe described, and just stuck the whole thing in the toaster oven and a few minutes later, I was in blue-cheese-heaven. Yum. I used Danish Blue cheese and an organic tomato from the farmer's market. I've never thought to melt blue cheese, until I read this recipe in Mark Bittman's new book, Kitchen Express. The whole book seems to be all about deliciousness without much effort, and what more can one ask for, especially in the heat of the summer?

Multiple writing projects?

2009-07-12T18:06:00.003-04:00

Monumental paper has morphed into two papers. I should have seen this coming, but now I have three papers on the chopping block all at once. What to do? I seem to have trouble with the whole multi-tasking thing when it comes to writing. I've always done one paper at a time, even for term papers. Its like get into one thing and then my brain goes into some kind of obsessive mode in order to finish it. I don't do well with two papers at once, but now I have three ideas that are all set in motion and I'm feeling like it is so overwhelming to think about it all at once all the time. Someone suggested a spreadsheet, but yikes, I'm just not that organized about my writing. One at a time is not really an option because there is some time-sensitivity going on here. Any ideas from the blogosphere?

A Supper to end the week on (with recipe link)

2009-06-28T18:45:00.005-04:00

I was getting meals prepared for me while I was out of town last week, and it spoiled me so much that I forgot what I ever did with food prep. before last week. I got used to being pampered really easily. Anyway, so since I came back, I've been scouring the web for new recipes because I think I've also gotten kind of bored with the meals I make. I tried a couple of things that didn't do so well (aren't you lucky you have me to taste-test all of these for you?) and I finally hit a keeper.

This recipe for Rigatoni with Eggplant comes from Giada De Laurentiis at the Food network. It is so deliciously eggplanty, cheesy and tomatoey with crunchy pine nuts and mint adding both crunch and cool. So yummy.

Although there are lots of terrible reviews of it, please ignore them and give this a shot, at least if you like eggplant, that is. I'm so glad that I did. If you don't like eggplant, look away, look away. I'll post more recipes soon.

This tastes like it took all day to cook, but the hands on prep time is very short. Also, you don't have to use too many dishes and it tastes so delicious that it is worth pulling out the food processor for.

I'm willing to bet that the bad reviews come from people who can't follow directions. For example, I strongly suspect that the people who didn't find it saucy enough used grape instead of cherry tomatoes. Grape tomatoes are nowhere near as juicy as the cherry tomatoes that she calls for in the recipe. The cherry ones are totally round, whereas the grape ones are smaller and look a bit more like mini-roma tomatoes. Also, don't forget to reserve the pasta water, in case it is too dry for you. I didn't need to use any of it, but you might. On the other hand, if you like your pasta extra-saucy, and eggplanty, just use half the quantity of rigatoni and you will be happy.

Travels and writing progress

2009-06-23T23:05:00.002-04:00

So the Method Manuscript is finally taking shape. I have 3,000/8000 words, which means I am over some sort of hump, although I am still feeling a little lost among all the words. Hopefully I can get this paper done soon.

I just got back to Postdoc City this weekend after some traveling and I am feeling so wiped out at the end of the day that I am ready to crash right after dinner. Tonight I had to force myself to go to the library after dinner just so that I would stay upright and awake.

I'm going to bed nice and early tonight so I should have lots of good writing energy when I get up.

No more procrastinating. Get busy eatin' them frogs!

2009-05-26T23:07:00.010-04:00

Brian Tracy's book, Eat that Frog! is a quick read. I'd highly recommend getting yourself a copy, if only to browse through while you are doing laundry. You'll be done before your clothes are dry! It is so clear and bullet-pointed that you won't waste time reading pages and pages of fluff. And, he gives so much great advice, that some of it is sure to be helpful. Even if you feel really on top of things, I'd still pick it up to maximize your productivity.

His main suggestion is to prioritize what is most important/difficult (the "frogs" in your life tasks) first, before doing anything else. He suggests that you focus on areas that will give you the greatest return in reaching your goal. For us academics, and, particularly for a postdoc like me, it is easy to identify our "key result area": Publishing. So, he advocates starting the day by working on tasks that will lead to publishing, this would be writing. So start the day by writing if you want to get published.

Apart from that, I'd say his suggestions fall into three broad categories: Planning, Execution and Attitude. Planning is important in terms of identifying your goals, setting your focus areas, and making a list of what you want to achieve, breaking it down by year, month and day. He suggests planning your day the night before, so that you can subconsciously start thinking about what you have to do the next day. He also advocates a priority system for lists, so that you can start with the most urgent tasks first.

In terms of execution, as mentioned above, his biggest suggestion is to go for the maximizing task first, the one that will produce the results to get your goal. He also suggests "slicing and dicing," which is cutting up large tasks into smaller slices before tackling them. In writing this would be working on a section/paragraph/sentence at a time. Another method is the "swiss cheese" approach, which is not as methodical as slices, but just doing what you can to make some dents in the task. For us writers, this would be freewriting where we can in our document. Finally, taking it one task at a time, with a singular focus, gets you all the way to the end. This is the whole driving in the dark approach to writing -- when you get in the car, you can only see as far as your headlights, but it takes you all the way from start to finish.

As for attitude, he's a big cheerleader and motivator, and wants us to adopt a similar stance within ourselves, so we become what he calls "action oriented." Ultimately, Tracy suggests that one adopt the student-of-self posture. This appeals to us academics, because we like to study things. So study yourself, your habits, what works, what doesn't, and keep fine tuning yourself!

Exercise is the new coffee

2009-05-21T15:33:00.004-04:00

Maybe this is about guilt over my additions, maybe it is just feeling appalled at how little I have accomplished so far in my academic life, but I've started a self-improvement overhaul for the summer. I'm planning to read more about time management, discipline, organization, and whatever else leads to reaching my full potential as an academic. This means you can expect more posts about time management and getting stuff done, including book reviews on such subjects.

I'm going to pick up the book Eat that Frog! from the local library today, which is all about procrastination, one of my MAJOR problems in life. One could argue that this whole self-improvement thing is a form of procrastination from the real work that I should be doing, writing articles and such, but once I get it in my head to do something, its too late, it has already become a project, and there is no way out at this point. Anyway, I'll let you know if the book is any good.

In the meantime, my mantra for this week has been "Exercise is the new coffee." Ecogeofemme's post about alertness gave me some ideas, and I tried exercising every day of the week for at least one hour. Getting myself to the gym is the hard part, but I'm hoping that once I get in the habit, it will become much easier. I used to only go twice a week, but every day is SO much better. More days of euphoric-post-exercise feeling = less cups of coffee needed to get through the day.

post-deadline addiction assesment

2009-05-16T12:50:00.010-04:00

On Monday, I triumphantly emerged from the other side of my accepted paper revisions. Since then, I've been to a week-long workshop. I decided that while workshopping, I'd try to cut back on my coffee consumption, which went up radically while working on revisions. The unfortunate result of this is that I've been a zombie for most of this week.

I hit a low point yesterday, when I had friends over for dinner, and felt like I was being an irritable hostess because I'd held off on my afternoon espresso. I used to give up coffee every summer, but I'm not sure I can do that anymore. I have a lot of writing that needs to happen this summer, and lack of caffeine doesn't help with productivity.

So far today, I've had a nice croissant and cappucino for breakfast, picked up some vegetables at the farmers market, had lunch with some friends and biked home. I'm functioning reasonably okay, but I could use more coffee already! What am I going to do with myself? What about you? How do you stop yourself from ramping up the coffee when you have a deadline?

Reevaluation

2009-05-03T23:30:00.002-04:00

Things are looking better now, since I've had time to get over the shock of my guest's arrival, cleaned up the sty a bit, made myself a good dinner and now, I'm ready to tackle the week!

I am not sure if I'm coming down with a flu or if it is just really bad allergies, but I am hoping that it is bad allergies, since lots of decongestant plus allergy meds seems to have improved my general outlook on life.

Things I have left to do before houseguest arrives:
Pick up some groceries
Make soup (this should be the #1 on all my to do lists simply because it always makes me feel better)
Do Laundry
Make her bed
Clean bathroom
Clean living room

Doesn't seem so bad anymore. Off to bed to get lots of sleep for whatever it is that is making me so miserable!

Sick and swamped

2009-05-03T18:23:00.002-04:00

Last night I started feeling the start of a fever, and this time my echinacea tea didn't do anything to stave off whatever it is that I'm getting. Adding to my troubles is the imminent arrival of a very young and naive house guest, one who needs to learn that 48 hours isn't enough notice! I have so much to do around the house, I have a deadline for accepted manuscript, and I am feeling sick.

Bringing out the big coffeemaker

2009-04-23T21:36:00.004-04:00

Tomorrow I have to be on campus earlier than I've gone in at least a month. Since all the traveling I've done in the last month, I haven't made much of an effort to get over my jetlag, because it didn't matter, my clock was just off by a few hours. Now I am getting serious about it.

I just got back from digging through boxes in my basement to find my coffee maker which, fortunately, unlike my reliable old Bialetti Moka, has been bestowed with pre-programmability.

Tomorrow, I need to be up about three hours before usual. So, not only will I pick out my clothes and pack my bag for the morning, but I am about to go and set the timer for an ungodly hour, so that I can be awake and functional and do some writing before my first meeting.

I'm convinced that all the problems of the world can be solved with the right amount of caffeine administered at the right time. The real trouble is figuring out how much and when.

Monday Movie Review: Vicky Cristina Barcelona

2009-04-20T00:34:00.000-04:00

Vicky Cristina Barcelona begins with the relaxed Latinized beat of Spanish music unfolding as the titles are screened, perfectly capturing the laissez faire sexual tone that is one of the key themes of this film. The plot is based on the love adventures of college friends Vicky and Cristina, two Americans traveling in Spain.

The most intriguing character in the film is not the character of the artist Juan Antonio, played by Javier Berdem, but his divorcee, Maria Elena, played by Penelope Cruz. Maria Elena personifies the genius artist with a bipolar personality. Her swings are radical -- from being jealous and suspicious of the motives of Cristina, her ex-husband’s new lover, played by Scarlet Johansson -- to being part of an almost contented trio, helping Cristina to achieve her own artistic goals, and even being genuinely happy to hear Cristina and her ex-husband making love in the next room while she sleeps alone in the guest room.

Maria Elena’s shifts obviously externally portray the conflicts that she has within herself about how she relates to her ex. More significantly, perhaps, they also indicate the shifts which both Cristina, the ex-husband, and the film’s audience undergo in their constantly changing interpretations of her. Allen has also managed a sleight of hand here -- through subtle changes in her behavior, clothing, dialogue and scene and narrative throughout the film, he has also demonstrated perfectly how any given person is continuously reinterpreting their perspective on the same person, one of the key complexities of loving relationships.

While the casual testing of boundaries was maintained throughout the entire film, the final blow of the gunshot on Vicky’s hand brings her tolerance to a screeching halt. Now, Vicky at last knows what she doesn’t want, and realizes that she is unwilling to adopt the cavalier attitude that she longingly observed on Cristina through the entire trip. Faced with an obvious injury, Vicky quickly pulls back and finds a way to end her own explorations.

The film successfully explores the fleeting nature of satisfaction, as well as the difficulties of synchronizing the desires of the individuals who are involved in any relationship. All the while, the narrator speaks to the questioning audience, who are assumed to be searching for some footing within the laid back atmosphere and sudden shifts that appear throughout the story. Ultimately, this film strikes an admirable balance, making it a fitting tribute to the complexity of love: despite a forcefully one-sided ending, it does not allow much in the way of definitive conclusions or moralistic grounding throughout all the exploration it portrays.

Relearning myself

2009-03-17T13:50:00.007-04:00

The last few months have been a roller coaster for me emotionally. I kept trying to write something abstract about what was going on, or something unrelated, or again something that was obliquely related. In the end, I couldn't compose a decent post and gave it up altogether.

At this point, things seem to have resolved, not in the way that I had hoped, but still, it is a resolution. I feel like I can start the process of putting my feet back into my everyday life. I have a sense of forgetting who I was before it all happened, and even wonder if I can move ahead and put it all behind me.

I feel a little bit like a patient undergoing some sort of physical therapy to relearn the functions that I did so easily before everything happened. I'll be throwing myself into my work this week to try to maintain my focus in repeating the day-to-day actions that will again remind me of who I am, or at least, who I will need to be for right now.

switching it up-- sleep stuff part II

2009-02-11T20:14:00.003-05:00

Sorry about the lack of posting, followed up with these incredibly boring posts, but I'm really pushing hard on my writing projects, and feeling swamped and sleep-deprived. There have also been other developments that are taking up my time and attention which are unbloggable right now...Anyway, I'm quitting an hour early tonight to give myself time to move into the study to see if I get any better sleep there. I found myself waking up several times in the middle of the night with lights and noises from outside because there is a large window in my bedroom and cars driving by seem to hit my eyes at just the right angle to wake me up. I've been sleeping in this bedroom for the last year and a half, and I've had trouble with my sleep, on and off, for about the same amount of time. Most of my life, I haven't had any trouble with sleep, so I am inclined to believe that this is an environment issue, either that or its an age thing, in which case I am doomed. I've been reluctant to move, because I really like my study as a work space, but let's see how I do tonight before I decide to actually switch the two rooms.

The routine of writing and writing the routine

2009-02-09T21:37:00.004-05:00

I'm terrible at sticking to a bed time, and it is affecting my writing. I write best first thing in the morning, and if I don't get a good night's sleep, I'm done for. Writing is NOT going well these past couple of weeks, and I am horribly behind on my schedule. Catching up doesn't seem to work. I just have to move ahead full-force and keep going.

In my desperation, I'm trying a new thing this week. Starting tonight, I'm going to force myself to go to bed at 10pm every night. For most adults this would be easy. For me, this is like saying I will climb Mount Everest. Hopefully, my new strictly enforced bedtime will do wonders for my sleep and my writing. If not,I have no idea how I will get out of this mess and get out any more publications in time to be on the job market this fall.

Visited Map of the United States

2009-01-20T21:04:00.001-05:00

visited 29 states (58%)
Create your own visited map of The United States or try another Douwe Osinga project

As seen at EcoGeoFemme's place.

Winter wardrobe

2009-01-19T18:01:00.002-05:00

Today I wore a full length wool-skirt that I had forgotten all about, along with some cute boots and a simple sweater. I don't know why I don't wear this look more frequently. There is something wonderful about busting out a skirt in the middle of winter, and I never remember to wear this enough. I just rotate between different pants when it comes to winter and that is such a shame. I guess there is still plenty of cold weather to get more use out of it. How about you? Do you even try to wear skirts in the winter, or do you resign yourself to pants all winter?

Closure for the academic relationship

2009-01-13T21:34:00.003-05:00

I didn't blog about this at the time because things were rushed, but I realize that I finally felt like I was getting closure on our relationship being over when the Mad Hatter visited me right before Christmas.

This visit was different. He was returning my stuff. Stuff that was moved to his city years ago when we were planning to move in together. Stuff that never quite made it back because it just didn't seem important enough. I still have the boxes in a giant stack in my study. I'm sure most of them will be thrown out because I haven't used this stuff in years, so how important can it be, right? But that's not what gave me the closure I needed. What did it for me was when we both went through all the books on my shelves together, checking to make sure that he had all of his, and I had all of mine back from him. We shared a lot both through the books and outside of them, but now, looking at my shelves and seeing only my own books reinforces the end of the relationship for me. Not in a sad way, just that its visibly over. I'm ready for a fresh start in 2009.

ETA: I'm not sure if this is going to re-post, but I'm making the comments on this go "poof" for security reasons.

Pumping Up the blues

2009-01-12T22:16:00.006-05:00

I don't do well in wintry weather, and it is only going to get worse later this week, so I dragged myself to yoga this evening. As a result of this, I'm feeling far, far better. There's nothing like post-yoga-euphoria to cure the winter blues. For some reason, today there was blues music playing during the cooling down portion of the class!

Now that I'm feeling better, I just have to get my bike back in shape -- the tail light is not blinking (maybe just needs new batteries) and the back tire is totally flat. I thought I was just tired from the yoga, but then I noticed that flat tire. That was the real reason I was moving so slowly. I passed a gas station on the way home but it was useless, I looked around and didn't see an air pump. The attendant confirmed that they don't have one. (is this normal?) I made it home but I'll have to find another place to pump up my bike tomorrow.

Laziness and lists

2009-01-11T15:05:00.010-05:00

Another loud neighbor party last night meant I got almost no sleep, woke up with a migraine and a giantic list of things that I don't even want to think about doing, but I'd better get cracking on. So far I've only done some urgent work stuff and I'm way behind on some maintenance stuff. Here's what I have yet to do today:

~~Go to laundromat~~

~~Vaccuum~~

Bring giant stack o'books to office

Make soup

~~Clean out fridge~~

~~Take out garbage~~

Do yoga

Clean bathroom

I'll post my progress later tonight. If I get most of this done today I will consider it a decent day.

ETA: Okay, so laundry's done, trash is out, fridge is clean. No soup, yoga or clean bathroom yet, but I'm pretty happy with my progress. The giant stack o'books will have to go to work with me in the morning, I'll clean the bathroom before I go to bed, and tomorrow, yoga after work, and then soup with a friend who is coming over for dinner.
I'd say the day's been salvaged.

Easing into work

2009-01-08T13:25:00.003-05:00

The last time I got back from a trip (over Thanksgiving), I just woke up and bounced into work at 8 o'clock the next morning like a Tigger. I was really excited to get back to Monumental Project. I ended up burning out before the week was over, so badly that the following week's productivity tanked also. So last night, utterly exhausted from a return trip that ended up being much longer because of bad weather and delays, I promised myself I would not set my alarm clock. I'm still recovering from a cold, and my body was all sorts of tired already because of jet lag.

Today, I've just accomplished one thing and that's eating breakfast. Its 1.30pm. I'm still getting in gear to go to work. I feel like the biggest loser on the face of the earth, but I am hoping that this leads to me getting more done in the long run, because I feel wonderfully rested, finally.

The sport of writing

2009-01-07T14:52:00.001-05:00

As I’ve reminded myself here before, anxiety and getting all wound up and caffeinated aren’t always conducive to performing well. Adopting this posture towards one’s work can have detrimental effects, such as causing muscles to tighten and even resulting in injury. So then, what is the alternative for high performance? Taking a cue from sports psychologists, I’m listing the conditions that are advised for optimum athletic performance. I think these apply equally well to getting in the “flow” for writing performance and I’m planning to use them as a guide towards greater productivity in 2009.
*Strong internal motivation - whether we are aware of it or not, there are certain reasons that push each of us forward. Write them down and revisit them if you need to remind yourself why you do what you do.
*Ability to transcend stressful situations – Drive to get it done isn’t enough. When you’re out there on the field, or on the page, you’ve got to push through situations that are distracting or difficult. Practice tuning out the noise and mental chatter to do what you have to do. If you’re inclined to practice meditation on a daily basis, this helps strengthen your mind to tune out what you don’t need to pay attention to in that moment.
*Focus on manageable, familiar tasks – play by play, not the whole game at once. In the writing, this means one paragraph at a time, not the whole section or the whole paper.
* Mental preparation- This has three components: 1. visualization 2. pre-performance routines 3. getting ready for the defining moment.
1. Visualizing: Imagine the paper done and accepted before you start. Picture the title and your name next to it, in the font and font size of your journal of choice, with a glossy reprint lying on your desk.
2. Pre-performance routines: these don’t have to be something elaborate, some people like to light a candle or play their song of choice. You could just start the same way every time you sit down to write so you brain is cued into what you are doing. Since I wrote most of my dissertation to it, there is a Pearl Jam CD that unfailingly helps me to get in the writing groove on difficult days.
3. Getting ready for the defining moment: The defining moment is one that we have all faced. This is that moment when you are beyond exhausted and just sick of working on the same paper, you feel like your brain is filled with molasses, you just.cannot.go.on. with the project. How will you respond when that happens? What you do in that moment defines who you are. Picture yourself confronting that moment, and responding to it appropriately before you get there.
*Accept defeat without losing heart – Get back on the horse and revise and resubmit if things don’t work out as planned. After all, facing challenges does strengthen us, even in writing.

Ending 2008 on a happy note

2008-12-31T00:58:00.003-05:00

Hurrah! Hurrah! I get to finish up the year with some good news. My October manuscript, the first paper I've ever submitted, has been accepted (with a few revisions) at Fancy Pants Journal. Yay! I'm absolutely thrilled. This isn't me asking for trouble, but I'm shocked at how few reader comments I got. Would it be utterly ridiculous to ask if there were any more comments that just got "censored" or edited out or something?

The 'eve report

2008-12-25T01:05:00.003-05:00

Presents have been wrapped, dinners eaten, alcohol consumed and now my family has all gone to bed. I'm sitting by the fire feeling the kind of content that I've usually only felt when I've been in a relationship. I actually feel like things ending with the Mad Hatter are making me appreciate myself more. I'm pretty happy with my life. I don't really "need" a guy. This is a bit of a revelation to me, though it shouldn't be. I guess some things make more sense when school is out and your body gets a chance to relax and catch up with life. O.K. I'll stop drunk blogging now and go to bed.

news arrives

2008-12-17T07:39:00.002-05:00

No. Not my news. The newspaper. I knew I was done trying to sleep when I was lying in bed and heard the THUD of the newspaper hitting the screen door. Yesterday felt like a day of giving. I gave away a brand new pair of boots, had a friend over and made my favorite soup and apple pie for her, then as I was getting ready to go to sleep, did one last good deed by brainstorming with another friend about her new research. I enjoy sharing, and find it enriching, and I feel more like myself when I do it. It just took me a while to get back to being open after writing my dissertation. I felt that I was in a cave trying to write and I shut everyone out. It has taken me a full year to re-learn how to socialize and get to a point of enjoying it again. Now, I'm back, and I'm more open to making friends and giving again.

I also wonder how much of this new openness has to do with things ending with the Mad Hatter, and making me more open to forming meaningful relationships in postdoc city. As much as I like to think this isn't true, I think that being in a closer relationship does mean that there is less of you to go around for your other friends.

Today, though, is all about the literature review, and I'm giving 100% of my day to that. Now that I'm caffeinated, I'd better get going on it!

i was so sleepy...

2008-12-16T23:13:00.003-05:00

...Until my phone rang and a friend whom I haven't talked to in a very long time got all excited about brainstorming a new research project with me. I'm flattered that she picked me to talk to. Friend knows a ton of people, most of whom have more closely related interests to the topic of the brainstorm. For some reason, I am her go-to person for discussing big career ideas. Now I'm so damn excited about it, I can't go to sleep.

Lightening up for the holidays

2008-12-06T17:59:00.005-05:00

I'm putting up Christmas lights today to combat the early darkness that comes with winter. I never do this, it isn't my singleton tradition or anything, and I won't really do anything else remotely Christmas oriented. I just felt inspired to do something cheery and bright. We got our first snow this weekend, so I think its time for some sparkly lights and candles in the house. This will be good for my mood this week because I'll be spending a lot more time indoors than I usually do. I tend to do most of my reading at home and writing in cafes, so while I'm still working on this literature review, I'll alternate between the office and home.

No more plastic sandwiches for me

2008-12-05T13:28:00.003-05:00

One little shop that I love in Postdoc City is the little French bakery around the corner from me. Apart from dangerously good baguettes which are a bit on the crispy side, just the way I like 'em, they also sell fabulous cheeses. I'm currently in love with Swiss Gruyere,this stuff, which is deliciously sweet and just the right amount of salty, just fills your mouth with flavor. It tastes like something greater than cheese, really. And, its not even that I haven't tasted it before, I'm just rediscovering this. I need to stop buying the stuff at the supermarket that is pre-sliced and tastes like plastic. Even if it costs more, I'm willing to have less of the good stuff rather than eat any more plastic sandwiches.

Delayed

2008-12-01T20:04:00.002-05:00

My flight back to Postdoc City was delayed yesterday due to bad weather, meaning that I spent five extra hours at an airport that wasn't anywhere near my final destination. This might have been a huge disaster, except that I had packed two of my incomplete knitting projects, and five hours later, both of them are finished!

One of the knitting projects was an eggplant colored scarf (which looks more like burgundy to me) and its going in the mail tomorrow as a thank-you gift for a mentor. She read and gave me very generous comments on my Manuscript #1. It looks a lot like this. It took me a while to figure out the pattern, but I think I've got it now (email me if you're interested and I'll try to write it up for you). I might be making a bunch more before Christmas, as they knit up really fast.

Now that I've been out West in warmer climes, spending most of my break on the beach, returning to the snowy grays of Postdoc City is feeling like a punishment. I think that staying out of the winter blues will require many cups of warm tea, Christmas lights and yellow candles to keep me warm. I'm off to bed early tonight so I can read under the covers for a bit before I go to sleep.

Rained in reading

2008-11-13T14:37:00.008-05:00

Last night, I was still in my office at 5.30pm because I didn't get there until the decadent hour of 9am. The rain was coming down outside and my tennis partner called to cancel for the second time this week. You'd think with how much I love getting out on the court that I would be disappointed, but I wasn't. I'm so into my new project that I sat there thinking how great that was because it gave me time to read some of the articles that I had just printed. There is nothing quite like sitting under your favorite yellow lamp, curling your fingers around a hot cup of tea, with a good article to read while its dark and raining outside. Maybe this is my own version of new project infatuation, but I love that THIS is my job, and that I love it so much.

Knitting things in perspective

2008-11-07T13:24:00.003-05:00

I'm not sure if it was taking a day off in the middle of the week, joining a knitting circle full of more mature women, or my attempts to quit coffee that have brought on the blissful wave of calm that I'm experiencing amidst everything I have to do.

I kept telling myself while I was writing my dissertation, as I increased my coffee consumption from one cup to three, that "desperate times call for desperate measures." I'm not sure if someone famous once said that, but it was a college friend's mantra, one that was repeated frequently as we stayed up late writing papers, eating donut holes and drinking our very fancy root beer. Clearly, this was before I had discovered lattes. Our all-nighters were frequently followed up by breakfasting on mocha-almond-fudge ice cream, justified because it was clearly high-protein with all that dairy and nuts in it. But, I digress, the point is that now, three cups later, the coffee has done me in more than I care to admit. My experiments with quitting this week, drinking weaker coffee and less of it, appear to be resulting in a level of calm that I have not experienced in decades.

Ofcourse, this is terrible for my productivity, reading, wordcounts and such, but I am still getting work done. I'm just not breaking my back the way I am so easily prone to.

I was admiring a friend's knitted shawl the other day and then I felt so inspired that I decided to start another knitting project. We ran into each other at the yarn shop and then brought our knitting to my favorite coffee shop in town and sat and talked and worked on our knitting. The next evening, we joined a group of women in a knitting circle, just some good conversation and knitting. I was amazed at some of these elderly women because they just seemed so grounded and centered and happy with where they were. I felt like it rubbed off on me. My usual angst seems to have disappeared somewhat and I'm feeling like the week just sort of melted away.

Go Vote!

2008-11-04T14:24:00.006-05:00

Just got my I voted sticker and my dad tells me I can get a free coffee at Starbucks today. So get out and there and vote if you haven't already. Postdoc U. is closed today, for the voting, I guess, so I didn't go in to work. InAdWriMo be damned. I just need a mental health day. After a miserable day in my office yesterday, I need to just enjoy the unseasonably warm weather and take my reading out in the park with my picnic lunch, then have dinner and go watch the unfolding election results at my neighbors' place tonight.

InAdWriMo 2008

2008-11-02T11:57:00.004-05:00

Since InAdWriMo last year was a huge help in getting my dissertation written, I'm going to rejoin this year to get me moving quickly on Manuscript #2. I have serious doubts about writing the whole thing in a month, especially since the last one took so long. But, the thing is, I'm not doing much more research on this one, and I'd be happy with a decent draft. I don't need a whole done manuscript until mid December, but something that I can send out to friends for feedback by the end of the month would be fabulous. I'm guessing 8,000 words is a fairly challenging goal.

I've got a few more research things to do on this paper, so there may initially be some waiting on the wordcount for the next few days, but I hope to see that wordmeter on the left moving pretty soon and pretty quick.

putting one foot in front of the other

2008-10-20T21:15:00.003-04:00

Its been a long day of reading today, in the coffee shop for the first half of the day, and in my office for the afternoon and early evening. Reading that is directed towards filling out some gaps in the Oct 1 manuscript. It is really difficult, when you've spent weeks and weeks pumping out words by the hundreds and thousands, to feel as if reading is actually accomplishing something. I've gone through these cycles in my writing to know that this is my info gathering stretch before the revising marathon, and yet, I feel a slight twinge of guilt about my middle of the night run to the store to pick up the chocolate I've been craving as my reward for meeting today's work goal.

I'm trying to stay focused on work this week, as I allow myself to fully absorb the end of a relationship that has really sustained me through so many years now. I'm remembering my friend K. who very patiently told me over and over again, when I just couldn't bear to look at my dissertation any longer, she would say, "just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Its all you can do sometimes." I'm glad that I am able to do that right now and relieved that I'm not crumbling the way I thought I would if this ever happened.

Is there some kind of rule that dictates that...

2008-10-17T23:10:00.003-04:00

..just when you finally feel like you're getting things under control in one part of your life, the other part decides to just fall apart. So now that my professional drama is sorted out, I'm getting hit with just how bad my love life is.

I think I just ate half a tub of Ben and Jerry's (and I only eat ice-cream in emergencies). I just read an email from the Mad Hatter, who is in a funk and telling me that we should call each other less, etc. etc.

Part of me feels like I shouldn't be surprised, things were heading in this direction, but now I feel that the hatchet has been thrown down, and the coffin closed, and the timing just seems out of the blue to me. I think I will have to call it a night and go to bed and hope this situation looks less ice-cream worthy tomorrow, because I'm in no shape for a binge right now, but damn, the email break-up feels brutal.

Turning of the Seasons

2008-10-16T20:28:00.006-04:00

With leaves turning, a full moon in the sky, and Halloween around the corner, I've been thinking about this time last year, when I was writing my dissertation, and how little I could appreciate anything around me. It was a bit of the same feeling as what it is like when people are being kind to you, but you have a knot inside yourself and you just can't accept any kindness. It is a difficult situation to be in, because loosening up would get rid of the knot, but that loosening is exactly what is so difficult to do in that moment.

This afternoon at the coffee shop, I resisted the urge to go find my own desk and plug in my headphones as is my usual habit. Instead, I sat with a colleague I'd run into. We talked a bit between bouts of reading as we sipped our steamy mugs of tea and the rain came down amidst the gorgeous fall leaves outside. I'm so grateful for this weather and the new friends I'm making. Most of all, I'm grateful that the knot inside my heart is opening up to my own goodness and the goodness in my surroundings. Now, I feel more set up to focus on making the most of it.

Until life gets more bloggable...

2008-10-15T04:45:00.000-04:00

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Marilyn!

You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

* Be direct and clear

* Listen to me carefully

* Don't judge me for my anxiety

* Work things through with me

* Reassure me that everything is OK between us

* Laugh and make jokes with me

* Gently push me toward new experiences

* Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Marilyn

* being committed and faithful to family and friends

* being responsible and hardworking

* being compassionate toward others

* having intellect and wit

* being a nonconformist

* confronting danger bravely

* being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn

* the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind

* procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself

* fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of

* exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger

* wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right

* being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Marilyns as Children Often

* are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn

* are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger

* form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent

* look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel

* are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Marilyns as Parents

* are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty

* are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence

* worry more than most that their children will get hurt

* sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Incase you're wondering...

2008-10-07T15:00:00.003-04:00

I made the deadline. Yay! Mostly thanks to Seeking Solace's very handy small-bit-by-small-bit advice, and before I knew it the thing was done and sent. And then I did laundry and caught up on other things in my life.

Now, I have unbloggable things going on in my academic life. I'm going to call my poor advisor this evening to get some help on handling the situation. What can I say, my life appears to be all about putting out fires one day at a time.

procrastination and deadlines

2008-09-21T20:01:00.003-04:00

I don't do well under pressure, deadlines were created for those other people who need fire under their butts to work. Not me. I work just great until someone tells me I have to get something to them by a certain date. Then, I start procrastinating, motivation flags, and I basically freak out. What is it about the deadline-driven folks? How do you do it under the added pressure of a ticking clock?

Getting out and getting stuff done

2008-09-13T23:40:00.002-04:00

Usually my Saturdays are pretty low key, I don't bust my butt to try to get a lot of school stuff done. Its like a bonus work day if I do get anything done. I always work on Sundays, so I figure one day off a week is decent. Today, however, was different. I spent much of the day at my office on campus. I'm amazed at how just getting out and getting in that work environment is conducive to getting work done. Now I'm experiencing my usual problem of trying to wind down after such a productive stint. I have to strike that balance of not getting too excited about work when I have returned home, so that I can fall asleep. To that effect, I'm sipping on the chamomile tea that was part of my birthday care package from my friend S. who lives in the desert and knows me too well. Yay for friends who know what you need and send it to you!

vegan organic with a little surprise tucked in

2008-09-10T20:20:00.004-04:00

As an on-the-go vegetarian, I'm a huge fan of granola bars because they seem to be one of the few portable yet relatively healthy snacks available. Today, I grabbed one of these think Organic bars. What could be tastier than two of my favorite flavors that make a great combo -- chocolate coconut? And though it was mighty tasty, it was only after I had devoured the entire thing and was fiddling around with the wrapper that I realized it has a whopping 9 grams of fat in a single bar, that is 80 Fat Calories from a 160 Calorie bar. So.not.good. Wouldn't it be better to just have a snack size Almond Joy instead? Yep. It would be 5 less grams of fat. I just checked. There is something really wrong with that.

deadline nightmare

2008-09-09T22:36:00.002-04:00

The big bad deadline, Oct. 1st, which looks like a giant, bald, white male in my dream, was trying to get me last night. I thought I had locked all the doors before I went to bed, but the deadline sneaked in through a side door that I had inadvertently left open because I was really tired when I was checking the doors. As I heard him approaching my bedroom, I hid under the covers and reached for my pepper spray, wondering if the little bottle of spray was going to be enough to even make him sneeze because the deadline was truly gigantic!

You'd think that with all that fear coursing through my veins, productivity would be fantastic. Not so much. Here's hoping I get some real sleep tonight and writing done tomorrow.

Independence and Chivalry

2008-08-26T00:17:00.007-04:00

When the large group of circa twenty-year-old guys moved into the massive house next door (I'm guessing there are at least five bedrooms in it), I was a bit annoyed at their loud parties every Friday night. Whenever they are in group on their porch or in the backyard, they are loud and brash. But, the few times I run into them individually, they are each so sweet and gentlemanly that I forgive and forget the last loud Friday party, and feel glad that they are my neighbors. I get this older sister protective feeling for them because they are so much younger than me.

Too early this morning, I was feeling absolutely exhausted from my late nights of working on coauthor paper. I went out to bring in the garbage cans and one of the guys offered to help. Though I declined the offer, he insisted on helping me and brought in one of the garbage/recycle bins while I rolled in the other. I was so touched, and it started my day on a friendly note.

Since I've moved to postdoc city, despite declining such offers of help, I have seen chivalry in action in 2008 by guys helping me with my garbage cans. The first time it happened, I thought, maybe I look weak and frail, and they honestly felt I needed help, but now I think that Postdoc City is as much a part of the South as MA City. I'm getting used to it. I love the feeling of fortitude at my own independence, but it also makes it just that much sweeter when you get an unexpected break from it, even in the smallest way.

Honestly Alice

2008-08-20T00:10:00.003-04:00

The last time I saw Dr. Cool, a relaxed fellow, was at a small gathering at his house, and he asked how I was liking Postdoc City. This question had come on a day in which for all kinds of reasons, I was really missing GradSchool City and I inadvertently confessed to having pangs of missing GradSchool City. I promised myself when I got home that night that the next time I saw him, I would say something nice about Postdoc City. Well, today he walked into the coffee shop I was working at, and sat at a table near me and chatted with me for a bit. I made a casual remark about how much more amenable the weather was here in Postdoc City than GradSchool City, and how much the place was growing on me. Things were going quite well I thought, until he broached the subject of the job market, and I was a bit too honest and told him that I was not applying to DreamJob (for most, but not Alice). He seemed perplexed. I think he felt that I was being arrogant by telling DreamSchool to shove off because I didn't like the city. Now, this isn't my main reason for not applying. It is my lack of pubs, but try as I may, I could tell that my honesty did not serve me well in this situation again. When will I ever learn those social graces? Now Dr. Cool thinks that I am a total snob, and I'm not going to try to fix it this time.

small pleasures

2008-08-13T22:01:00.003-04:00

This morning my watch just fell apart, perhaps in protest that there simply isn’t enough time to meet my target of submitting coauthor paper by September 1st. Somehow, it has to happen. The paper is getting there, it just isn't in the editing phase where it should be by now. Anyway, I found this little treasure for $5.25 today. At least I can wear this until I have time to shop for a new watch.

efficiency

2008-08-07T21:42:00.006-04:00

In my ongoing quest to be an efficient academic, I have recently discovered a little trick that I suspect most of you are already hip to. It turns out that packing a bag the night before is nothing short of miraculous for productivity the following day.

Partly this is because it forces me to think about where I'm going to work and what I'm going to work on, so that I'll know precisely what I need to bring with me. The neat thing about it is, that going through this exercise not only gets me one step closer to heading out-the-door the next morning, but it also gets my subconscious ready to do said work before I go to bed, which is an added bonus.

Of course, this morning I cursed my night-before-self for forgetting to pack my headphones so I didn't get as much done at the coffee shop as I had hoped, but the bag thing does help. Really. Eff'ing Efficient.

new shoes

2008-08-05T00:59:00.003-04:00

This morning I put on my old brown flip flops only to discover that they had completely worn through and the leather just gave in. I hate buying new shoes. Not because I hate buying shoes, but it is generally a huge time consuming ordeal for me. So, I was thrilled when I found these awesome comfy ones at the first store that I went to, plus they fit my budget because they were on sale at about half price.

The bizzare timing of this shoe-breaking is not lost on me. Writing a blogpost titled "Changes are afoot" and then going to bed and waking up to busted shoes is quite a coincidence! My new self is taking shape from the ground up.

Changes are afoot

2008-08-03T23:29:00.002-04:00

There have been loads of recent changes in my life, not least of which has been graduating and becoming Postdoc Alice, and I'm trying to figure out where I'm going from here. Though there are days where I feel like I'm trapped into becoming a professor, there are other days when I see just HOW much of a choice it actually is.

A close friend left academia quite recently, and it has been one of these watershed moments in MY life, because she is the person who convinced me to apply to graduate school in the first place! I was not sure I wanted to go right out of undergrad, but she suggested that I should give it shot and see what happened. I haven't looked back since.

I suppose I have a form of survivors guilt, because I know that even though I've worked hard to get here, there has been a certain amount of randomness involved in my getting a postdoc while she didn't get any T-T or postdoc positions, and has been adjuncting (and as a result of a huge overload of courses, not getting much published) since she graduated three years ago. I know, its a familiar story. It just sounds different when someone that you care about, respect and even look up to ends up in that situation. It shook me to my core. It has made me far more grateful for my postdoc, and it has made me question just how badly I want to be a professor, and how much I am willing to sacrifice to get there.

I'm not saying that I have big answers to my big questions today, just that I've been mulling a lot of this around lately, and it has filled my days with a feeling of gratitude for where I am, and the choices that are in front of me when I wake up every morning. I'm glad I get to be Postdoc Alice, and I've changed my blog template to signify the new me.

Just a dash

2008-07-31T22:15:00.003-04:00

You Are a Dash

Your life is fast paced and varied. You are realistic, down to earth, and very honest.

You're often busy doing something interesting, and what you do changes quickly.

You have many facets to your personality, and you connect them together well.

You have a ton of interests. While some of them are a bit offbeat, they all tie together well.

You friends rely on you to bring novelty and excitement to their lives.

(And while you're the most interesting person they know, they can't help feeling like they don't know you well.)

You excel in: Anything to do with money

You get along best with: the Exclamation Point

What Punctuation Mark Are You?

(as seen at Seeking Solace)

caffeination station

2008-07-28T18:58:00.003-04:00

I guess I do work better at coffee shops, even when there is a lot going on around. Maybe I won't get a carrel in the library for the fall, this is much better than my office or the library, because I can eat, drink coffee, write and listen to music all at the same time. Also, having a study buddy does help, even though A. didn't show until about an hour before I left. Still, I got a good chunk of research done on the T1 paper, and a good bit of writing done on the coauthor paper today. I need to make this kind of progress for the rest of this week in order to make my September 1 deadline.

let's try that again

2008-07-28T13:48:00.003-04:00

I got up and got ready to go work with A at the coffeeshop today, but when I looked outside it was pouring. It was raining so hard that the street outside my place looked like a river. Granted, I didn't have my glasses on, so blurriness could have been a factor, but I haven't seen this kind of rain in a while.

Anyway, just as I was rubbing the sleep out of my eyes, she called to tell me that she was going to hold off until the rain let up. Now, its all sunny and innocent outside. Let's try that again. Wish me luck on my writing today. I need it. I'm SO behind on all my work that it is sad.

visual feedback

2008-07-22T13:59:00.005-04:00

I'm taking music lessons this summer, re-learning how to play an instrument that I used to play, albeit briefly, as a child, and it is expanding my brain in all sorts of ways. Learning how to read music again after a couple of decades is quite a challenge! But I'm feeling the growth that is happening and noticing the little improvements bit by bit in this area. It also feels good to have a task which has instant feedback. If I do poorly, I can hear it and try to fix it, if I do well, I can beam with pride and keep my fingers moving. (It helps also that my music teacher uses lots of post-its and tape flags in different colors and that just makes me happy for reasons that I can't really explain). I wish that writing these two papers gave me more instant feedback like that.

Instead, I'm writing little bits of things that are okay but uninspired, don't flow and gel and everything is coming out at a glacial pace. To top it off, I'm not really sure exactly where I'm going with either paper. Co-author seems to have dropped off the face of the earth, and I've not tried to contact her either. She must not have written her piece, which means that I've got a few more parts of this paper to work on than I thought I did.

There's been a lot of reading I've had to do to get anything written because these are just far enough outside my area that I've had to catch up. Now that I'm caught up on the reading, I feel behind on the writing and I thrive on seeing my own progress. I just can't see what I've done with this summer besides loads of unnecessary travel to see family. I wish that would motivate me to work, but it makes me want to procrastinate even more. Sigh.

Lost!

2008-07-14T17:01:00.009-04:00

I am loving the new Coldplay CD, Viva La Vida. There is a sense of determination and purpose in these tunes, an upbeat crescendo to many of the tunes that make them seem to be going somewhere -- even though it isn't always clear where! The lyrics aren't necessarily helpful in this area either. Far from detracting from the music, though, it is just that ambiguity that affords it the flexibility to make these tunes the anthem songs for the purpose of the moment. I was listening to these on my long bike-ride to accomplish some mundane errands this afternoon, and it pumped me up for getting through the tasks at hand, and left me feeling inspired to keep checking things off my to-do list on a Monday, no less.

I like all of these songs right now and don't have a favorite right now, but today the song Lost struck me. I love the lines:

Just because I'm losing,
Doesn't mean I'm lost....

And, later...

I just got lost,
Every river that I tried to cross
Every door I ever tried was locked
Oh and I'm just waiting 'til the shine wears off

Free Lunches

2008-07-03T12:29:00.005-04:00

Since I've been out west, I've almost gotten two free lunches. On what turned out to be a very productive Tuesday at the coffee shop, where they serve soup and sandwiches for lunch, I went up to the counter to get something to eat. The cashier took my order and then gave me the gazpacho soup, and wrote down my sandwich order, saying they would bring it out to my table, and then turned around and started doing something else. She forgot to take my payment. When she finally came back to the counter, I reminded her. The next day, I bought a veggie wrap at the library, and the cashier charged me for the drink and the cookie I had gotten, but not the wrap. It wasn't until I was eating the lunch and noticed that the price of the wrap was more than the whole total that I paid did I realize that she forgot to charge me for the wrap. I went back and tried to explain to her, but she barely spoke English, and it was very challenging. Still, armed with the empty wrapper and the receipt in hand, I explained to the best of my ability. The lady behind me in the line, who was holding only one drink was starting to get upset. I would have hated for the poor cashier to close out the register at the end of the day and realize that she had to pull out her own money to make up the difference. But, I have to wonder, is this some kind of test of my honesty from the universe, with two days in a row of trying to give me free lunch at someone else's expense?

My office for the day

2008-07-01T12:02:00.002-04:00

I'm visiting my sister on the West Coast, and I'm installed in my favorite coffee shop in sister's city, planning to spend the day writing. I should be taking an actual vacation soon, but I'm saving that up for the weekend trip we have planned because I've got too much work on my plate to enjoy a vacation right now. Yesterday morning, because she was off work that day, my sister talked me into going to the mall with her. Although I got to hang out with her, and bought three really nice t-shirts that I can wear this summer, at the end of the day, I was out $60 (This is MAJOR shopping for me) and I was grumpy about not getting any work done, so I couldn't fully enjoy it. Maybe getting some of these worky things out of the way will help me to relax and enjoy the vacation this weekend. I've got an administrative letter to finish up today, plus some more substantive writing on one of the two papers I'm working on today. Let's see how it goes. Unlike where I worked yesterday, today's spot has the added benefit of actual air conditioning, as well as damn good coffee. Let's hope that this combo makes for a productive day in an unfamiliar work environment.

Reading to write

2008-06-05T15:34:00.003-04:00

I’m in a social science where papers are not quite as structured as some of those who have responded to ecogeofemme. Generally, once I’ve identified what I'm writing about, even if I know what I want to say, there’s still some reading I need to do to situate my work within a couple of sets of literatures. Sometimes, these are ones that I’m closely familiar with, but I generally still need to re-read to remind myself and also to refine my own argument.

While I’m reading the sources, I take notes on quotes that I might end up using, as well as picking up on other sources, and especially noting down points of interest, contention etc. As I’m brushing up on the literature related to my topic, I’ll periodically type up the notes in a form that I keep revising until it looks like a literature review. I start with all the notes on everything, then I go through and highlight the parts that are relevant to my argument. Even if I had an argument, it inevitably becomes more clear and easily expressed by the time I’ve done all the reading.

I don’t make an outline until after all this is done, because otherwise it just ends up getting scrapped. Once the literature review is written, and I can see what the article is contributing to the literature, the logic of presenting my own argument and supporting points flow easily from there. Only after I have a solid middle section draft do I start on the introduction and conclusion. And that's probably not even halfway there, because the real beginning is revising.

Monday Movie: Juno

2008-04-27T22:03:00.013-04:00

Juno is a lovely film, not least because its central, deeply cynical character, who spouts biting humor every few lines, is so believably played by a youthful heroine with a naturally understated naive exuberance. Ellen Page, who plays Juno, adds much to her character by effortlessly exuding the confidence of a know-it-all teenager, without a trace of pretentiousness. Despite flaunting a maturity that is clearly well beyond her years, Page's screen presence not only makes the character credible, but also romanticizes the late teens, arguably the worst years in anyone's growth.

The film takes stereotyped characters that seem perfectly believable and complexifies them as the film plays -- the pregnant teenager, the husband who wants to be a rock star, the wife who wants nothing more than to be a mother, and the boring parents of the teenager. In doing so, it shows that each of these characters is far more than the sum of their parts, making them much more convincingly real, and giving the audience more to grapple with as we get to know them.

Though I singled out Ellen Page's performance, the real genius in this film is the casting and acting because every single character in this film unfolded so credibly, and was played so spectacularly, that by the end of the film, there is a clear sense that life is both deeply complex and far more than anything any of us ever bargained for. All we can do is take a cue from our heroine -- laugh at where we are, act like we knew what we were doing all along, and figure out what to do next.

How do YOU write?

2008-04-21T23:26:00.004-04:00

I learned how to write a little better from the Mad Hatter, who painstakingly edited the paper I presented recently. This big presentation can be blamed for keeping me from updating here. Mad hatter and I worked together on it for hours and hours, and his help made it far better than it would have been otherwise.

I noticed that he likes to write in bits and blurbs, with a lot of …’s for all the gaps, before and after each bit and blurb. I’ve always been a full-sentence-at-a-time kind of girl, but I see the virtue of the blurb writing now. He gets down every little piece of thought that way, and then you can always delete it, or change it, but everything is down on the page one way or the other.

Its really making me wonder WHY I write the way I do. Its not as though I began writing in the age of the typewriter, but I feel like I really do write in sentences. The thoughts pop out for me in sentence-sized pieces for me. I wonder if this is something that I have just become accustomed to or if this is something permanent. Do we think in sentences? It seems doubtful, really. What about you? Are you a blurb writer? Do you think you might be thinking in sentences?

what I am meditating on

2008-04-07T18:01:00.005-04:00

I had no idea there was all this research out there on meditation and its effects on the brain! I saw this talk today, which is over a year old now, but it is news to me. I find it fascinating that meditation provides us with a means to control our base level of "happiness." Matthieu Ricard describes the differences between the brains of longtime meditators and a control group, showing that random fluctuations in the mood of longtime meditators remain within a smaller range. Ricard describe longtime meditators' greater overall satisfaction in their lives as an ongoing baseline below the level at which things fluctuate. He tried to describe this satisfaction or happiness as an intangible quality that he tries to give his audience an idea of by showing pictures of the faces of some of his Tibetan teachers. Anyone who has been to a talk by the Dalai Lama, or been around this type of great leader will have experienced this intangible quality, and instantly know what he is talking about. Ricard has all kinds of colorful charts and data to back up his claims, and I thought it was great to hear all the rational reasons for meditation spelled out by a scientist who meditates!

Maybe this struck more of a chord with me because I've become increasingly dissatisfied with psychotherapy over the years, wondering if it hasn't just magnified my neurotic tendencies by making me focus on what I am feeling. This video made me question the value of psychotherapy as useful treatment for any emotional issues, because in this framework it can only have very limited value, if any at all!

This is an hour long video, and I enjoyed the whole thing, but I was most impacted by the last 25 minutes of it, which is the more scientific part of the talk.

Six word Memoir

2008-04-06T21:17:00.001-04:00

Ecogeofemme tagged me for this meme. I’ve taken far too long to respond, but this week has been a bit crazy:

Here are the instructions:1. Write your own six word memoir 2. Post it on your blog and include a visual illustration if you’d like 3. Link to the person that tagged you in your post and to this original post if possible so we can track it as it travels across the blogosphere 4. Tag five more blogs with links 5. And don’t forget to leave a comment on the tagged blogs with an invitation to play

Doctor, not the kind that helps

I tag Repressed Librarian, Bloglily, Joe, Flossie and Brightstar

Postdoc Rankings with several grains of salt

2008-03-29T19:59:00.001-04:00

Though I don't place much value on these types of surveys, it still brought a big smile to my face to read that Science magazine thinks Postdoc U. is one of their top places to do a postdoc. Though that made me a little bit happier, if only for right now, I know that this varies greatly depending on your field and experiences like this can be so subjective, even in the same field or department. I'm wondering why my little bit of happy isn't totally canceled out by my clear, rational understanding of how unimportant these rankings are.

Big Head Alice?

2008-03-26T20:28:00.003-04:00

I'm finally getting back into a decent schedule after changing time zones by 3 hours for over ten days for Spring break. I had trouble adjusting my body clock when I got back, and I'm sure daylight savings didn't help, because it was 4 hours on the first day of Spring break. Finally I am not feeling half asleep in the middle of the workday, and I am on campus at a reasonable hour with a packed lunch in tow.

I spent a lot of time today getting things organized for graduation, which I'm looking forward to, but didn't think would consume so much time. I bought my plane ticket(with miles)and ordered the invitations and regalia (rental) after measuring my head for the cap. Since I didn't have a tape measure handy, I used the cord from my earphones, which was plenty long, and then measured that with a ruler. I hope I got it remotely in the ballpark of my head measurement. It came to almost 22 inches. I wonder if my head has grown since I started graduate school?

Productivity challenge

2008-03-25T11:01:00.002-04:00

You are so focused that everything you take on will bring you closer to the person you want to be. Consider this and mundane tasks become enjoyable.

That's my horoscope for today. Considering that I've been battling the most evil of allergies, (or maybe its a strange cold) since I got back, and spend my entire morning with a giant box of kleenex at my side, just about the only thing I have really been focused on is keeping my mouth open so that I can keep breathing, even when my nasal passages are not co-operating.

Needless to say, work has been secondary to breathing in priorities, and I seem to clear up as the afternoon comes around, when I can think a bit more clearly. I've gotten almost nothing done this morning, except put out some fires at PhD Uni, where the department admin seems to routinely miss deadlines and then send out last minute panicky emails to grad students. I keep thinking that I won't have any further dealings with PhD Uni. staff, but until I actually walk and get my diploma, I am still dealing with paperwork and craziness.

Here's hoping this afternoon's work actually does bring me closer to who I want to be, and right now, that's a fairly productive postdoc!

Soothed nerves return

2008-03-19T15:40:00.007-04:00

If anyone is still out there after my long spring break hiatus, here is the update...We had snow on the ground when I left for the West Coast. My trip was postponed for a day because all the flights out of Postdoc City were cancelled. It took me hours on the phone to try to get a flight out the next day.

Still, since I had already planned to return on Monday, I got a full week off and thoroughly soaked in the relaxation, caught up with friends and family, and had a fabulously long, guilt-free break. I noticed how much calmer I felt on the flight back than I did on the way in. I tend to get wound up and nervous when I am flying.

On the way back, as I was checking in for my flight, a very stressed-out ticket agent was helping a woman with three children to check in for her flight. She was no longer thinking clearly, and, as a small example of her skewed thinking, asked the woman who was dressed in a hejab if she was traveling with a passport for a domestic flight after she had already given her a driver's license that identified her as a U.S.citizen. It was obvious to everyone (but herself) that the ticket agent was in a state of panic, for no apparent reason. I realized that I am a stressed woman much of the time, I spend a lot of time feeling wound up and nervous instead of relaxing and doing what I have to do calmly.

On the trip, I caught up with a few friends, one of whom is a super-woman who has landed an enviable job in academia, is married and has a two year old daughter. It has been a year since she finished her PhD (while her husband was away for work and she was the only person watching her daughter.) My sister, who also has a young daughter asked how college friend can balance all these responsibilities. College friend humbly replied, "badly," but actually, she is doing great. My sister observed that she is very calm about everything. I think that's a keen observation on her part, and something I hadn't noticed about my own friend. Maybe calmness is under-appreciated in academia, where everyone is hyped up on coffee, perfectionist, and mostly nervous. Not necessarily qualities that improve one's work, as ecogeofemme recently noted.

I don't think my own nervous perfectionism helps my productivity. If anything, it makes me slow down because of panic-induced poor thinking. Now that I am feeling relaxed, I want to make it a priority to maintain this state of mind, planning time to meditate and exercise. I have no doubt that this state of mind makes me a better Alice, I just couldn't have figured this out if I wasn't relaxed in the first place.

Fresh start tomorrow

2008-03-02T22:49:00.001-05:00

It seems as though a lot of academic bloggers start new blogs after they get their PhDs. I’m not going to do that, since I’ve only been here for six months. But I do feel different, not like I’m a different person or anything, but I feel a bit more comfortable about being at Postdoc U, now that I’m officially Dr. Alice. There is also an ambivalence about it, though. I am not certain I’m ready for the responsibility that comes with being a Postdoc, and setting my own schedule. I’m afraid I will be lazy and waste this time. I don’t want to let myself do that. I suppose the lack of outside structure is not that different from writing my dissertation.

A friend suggested trying out a 9-5 schedule. I suspect that is a little too much for me. I’d love to go in early, but I doubt I can stay on campus until 5pm and be productive the whole time. At least, not in my office for so long. Maybe I can spend afternoons at cafes or in the library for a change of scene. Tomorrow I’ll be up early and begin working in my new office. Yay! I’ve decided to get myself some plants to cheer up my office. There are big windows, so I can find some that will sit on the window sill.

I’m trying to be a super-woman this week because I have a trip coming up on Friday, for ten days, I’ll be out of town and on vacation. I intend to enjoy it and not tote my work pressures along with me. I might read work related stuff while I am gone, I might even feel like working for an hour or so here and there, but there will be no pressure. I deserve a break. This means I have to get a couple of big things out of the way this week. Hopefully I can get a draft of an article to my mentor before I leave, and work on a job application schedule, and get application materials ready for one that is due soon after I get back.

The article draft is about half way there, so a solid four days work should get it far enough to at least show my mentor what I am working on, even if it isn’t feedback worthy yet. I think the theory is a bit weak right now and the lit review section needs beefing up. Let’s see how it goes this week.

a word to the wise

2008-02-27T19:44:00.003-05:00

General announcement to the blogosphere on dissertation submission: If your institution requires submission to the UMI site, as I suspect most do, plan to spend at least one day doing this. I thought this would be over after I stayed up all night last night, fussing with their website. Now, I've spent all day back and forth with the editor, and she's gone home, without giving me an all okay. This means another night of poor sleep, since I don't think I can sleep well until this whole saga is really over.

Any tips for Alice on relaxation are most welcome.

A done dissertation!

2008-02-25T19:14:00.002-05:00

This week has been pretty insane. My sleep debt went up exponentially. I was up all night last night and turned in my final version to my advisor early this morning. My advisor approved it. I finally have a done dissertation. Yep. Done. Its a great feeling! A good dissertation is indeed a done dissertation!

After some logistical things this week, including writing the acknowledgements and getting the editor to check the margins etc. it will finally be in my rear view mirror. I'm the first PhD in my family, but my grandfather's initials were D.R. so I am the new Dr. Academic in my family! Hurrah!