putting one foot in front of the other

Its been a long day of reading today, in the coffee shop for the first half of the day, and in my office for the afternoon and early evening. Reading that is directed towards filling out some gaps in the Oct 1 manuscript. It is really difficult, when you've spent weeks and weeks pumping out words by the hundreds and thousands, to feel as if reading is actually accomplishing something. I've gone through these cycles in my writing to know that this is my info gathering stretch before the revising marathon, and yet, I feel a slight twinge of guilt about my middle of the night run to the store to pick up the chocolate I've been craving as my reward for meeting today's work goal.

I'm trying to stay focused on work this week, as I allow myself to fully absorb the end of a relationship that has really sustained me through so many years now. I'm remembering my friend K. who very patiently told me over and over again, when I just couldn't bear to look at my dissertation any longer, she would say, "just keep putting one foot in front of the other. Its all you can do sometimes." I'm glad that I am able to do that right now and relieved that I'm not crumbling the way I thought I would if this ever happened.

Is there some kind of rule that dictates that...

..just when you finally feel like you're getting things under control in one part of your life, the other part decides to just fall apart. So now that my professional drama is sorted out, I'm getting hit with just how bad my love life is.

I think I just ate half a tub of Ben and Jerry's (and I only eat ice-cream in emergencies). I just read an email from the Mad Hatter, who is in a funk and telling me that we should call each other less, etc. etc.

Part of me feels like I shouldn't be surprised, things were heading in this direction, but now I feel that the hatchet has been thrown down, and the coffin closed, and the timing just seems out of the blue to me. I think I will have to call it a night and go to bed and hope this situation looks less ice-cream worthy tomorrow, because I'm in no shape for a binge right now, but damn, the email break-up feels brutal.

Turning of the Seasons

With leaves turning, a full moon in the sky, and Halloween around the corner, I've been thinking about this time last year, when I was writing my dissertation, and how little I could appreciate anything around me. It was a bit of the same feeling as what it is like when people are being kind to you, but you have a knot inside yourself and you just can't accept any kindness. It is a difficult situation to be in, because loosening up would get rid of the knot, but that loosening is exactly what is so difficult to do in that moment.

This afternoon at the coffee shop, I resisted the urge to go find my own desk and plug in my headphones as is my usual habit. Instead, I sat with a colleague I'd run into. We talked a bit between bouts of reading as we sipped our steamy mugs of tea and the rain came down amidst the gorgeous fall leaves outside. I'm so grateful for this weather and the new friends I'm making. Most of all, I'm grateful that the knot inside my heart is opening up to my own goodness and the goodness in my surroundings. Now, I feel more set up to focus on making the most of it.

Until life gets more bloggable...

Your result for Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz...

You Are a Marilyn!

You are a Marilyn -- "I am affectionate and skeptical."

Marilyns are responsible, trustworthy, and value loyalty to family, friends, groups, and causes. Their personalities range broadly from reserved and timid to outspoken and confrontative.

How to Get Along with Me

• * Be direct and clear


• * Listen to me carefully


• * Don't judge me for my anxiety


• * Work things through with me


• * Reassure me that everything is OK between us


• * Laugh and make jokes with me


• * Gently push me toward new experiences


• * Try not to overreact to my overreacting.

What I Like About Being a Marilyn

• * being committed and faithful to family and friends


• * being responsible and hardworking


• * being compassionate toward others


• * having intellect and wit


• * being a nonconformist


• * confronting danger bravely


• * being direct and assertive

What's Hard About Being a Marilyn

• * the constant push and pull involved in trying to make up my mind


• * procrastinating because of fear of failure; having little confidence in myself


• * fearing being abandoned or taken advantage of


• * exhausting myself by worrying and scanning for danger


• * wishing I had a rule book at work so I could do everything right


• * being too critical of myself when I haven't lived up to my expectations

Marilyns as Children Often

• * are friendly, likable, and dependable, and/or sarcastic, bossy, and stubborn


• * are anxious and hypervigilant; anticipate danger


• * form a team of "us against them" with a best friend or parent


• * look to groups or authorities to protect them and/or question authority and rebel


• * are neglected or abused, come from unpredictable or alcoholic families, and/or take on the fearfulness of an overly anxious parent

Marilyns as Parents

• * are often loving, nurturing, and have a strong sense of duty


• * are sometimes reluctant to give their children independence


• * worry more than most that their children will get hurt


• * sometimes have trouble saying no and setting boundaries

Take Are You a Jackie or a Marilyn? Or Someone Else? Mad Men-era Female Icon Quiz at HelloQuizzy

Incase you're wondering...

I made the deadline. Yay! Mostly thanks to Seeking Solace's very handy small-bit-by-small-bit advice, and before I knew it the thing was done and sent. And then I did laundry and caught up on other things in my life.

Now, I have unbloggable things going on in my academic life. I'm going to call my poor advisor this evening to get some help on handling the situation. What can I say, my life appears to be all about putting out fires one day at a time.