The endless tunnel of angst

Some days, I feel excited about my dissertation. Today was not one of them. Chapter 4 is getting messier before it gets better, and I've been so slow at making progress lately that I wonder why my advisor hasn't just flat out told me to quit.

I have had some unusual setbacks in my writing process, but most of these have had to do with things that I had no control over. Still, I feel somehow responsible for not being able to bounce back. I have had four big moves during the time that I have been analyzing my research and writing. Five since I was ABD. That has not helped matters much, since all the moving can mean much isolation. You can try to meet people and make friends but all the while, you have a feeling that there is no time to socialize, because you have to be writing.

I know that just making it through all this, getting my own research grant, getting this postdoc, and still being in the game are all signs that bode well for me, yet, can't shake this feeling that I am somehow a fraud or a phoney, and all the other grad students are the true scholars.

2 comments:

StyleyGeek said...

I know that feeling so well. I submitted my thesis today and the feeling is still with me. Even while people were buying me drinks and congratulating I was expecting them to suddenly realise that I was just faking it. Sigh :(

Alice said...

Styley,
Its good to be reminded that I am not the only one with the impostor syndrome. Congratulations on submitting your thesis!